


5 Times Allison Couldn't Say What She Was Thinking

by Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot)



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning, Pining, Team as Family, background Andreil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21869266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortheloveofcamelot/pseuds/Leahelisabeth
Summary: And one time she found the words.Pinch hit written for the AFTG Winter Exchange 2019 for KaijuusandKryptids.
Relationships: Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker (All For The Game)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38
Collections: AFTG Exchange Winter 2019





	5 Times Allison Couldn't Say What She Was Thinking

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this! My prompts included Allison Reynolds, pining and/or yearning, and Foxes as family.

1.

Allison is angry. It had been fun at first, to watch Neil’s face go red when she flirted, to step inside his personal bubble and watch Seth’s face go dark with rage at their proximity. She cheered with all the rest when he tore a strip off Riko. She thought it was funny to watch him poke the bear. But now she can barely look at him. Because Seth is supposed to be here right now, dancing their complicated waltz of on again, off again; he’s not supposed to be buried, cold and lonely in the ground.

She doesn’t think she loved him. She doesn’t know if she’s ever really loved anyone. But she kind of wishes she’d said it anyway, if only so she wouldn’t have those words burning in her throat, making her choke, sour like vomit on the back of her tongue.

It makes her sick. She knows what her teammates are thinking. The team will be a better unit now that Seth is gone. He was a fracture, an open wound among the Foxes scars and now that he’s been excised, they can come together and heal. She hates it. She hates that he’s gone. She hates the way it ended. She hates that she thinks her teammates might be right.

She lets all that anger out in explosive violence on the court and she says nothing.

2.

Allison is afraid. She likes to be in control but chaos swirls around her in a maelstrom. Andrew’s at the center, still and silent, the white knuckles where he clutches Neil’s keys the only hint that his control is fraying. There is absolutely nothing she can do. She doesn’t know where Neil is. She doesn’t know why he’s gone. 

She sits on the bed beside Renee and holds her hand while Abby checks her injuries. She smiles when someone looks at her. She eats a sandwich when it’s put in front of her. She tries to say it’s going to be fine but she remembers what happened to Seth and she worries that it’s too late for Neil now too.

When he comes back, bandaged and bloody, exhaustion written in every line of his body, clinging to Andrew like he never wants to let go, it’s easier to exchange money and smirk than to open her mouth and speak.

3.

Allison is euphoric. She’s exhausted and her legs tremble from running but they’ve done it, they’ve won. The ravens are defeated and the Foxes are the champions and after the insane year they’ve had, she doesn’t know if she wants to throw up or throw a party. Matt is swinging Dan around and laughing. Kevin crashes into her and hugs her tight but she’s too surprised to hug him back before he moves on and grasps Nicky’s hands and they’re jumping up and down, squealing like children.

Neil and Andrew join them. Neil is grinning wide, shaking as the adrenaline leaves him, arm around Andrew’s neck just to keep him upright. Andrew allows it and the look on his face is different. He isn’t smiling but he’s dropped his careful blank mask and she can see that he doesn’t hate this.

They all ignore the stir on the other side of the court as a screaming Riko is helped off by paramedics. He doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters but their team. Allison wants to make a speech but the words welling up inside her can’t find their form and instead she wraps her arms around Renee and drops a little kiss on top of her head and she smiles and smiles.

4\. 

Allison is nervous. It’s graduation day and she’s not ready. She’s never felt so at home in her life and in her body as this last year at university and she’s not excited to go back to cold marble halls and even colder disapproval. One thing the Foxes have taught her is that she can never be what her parents want her to be without giving up something fundamental at her core. And she’s no longer willing to live in the perpetual exhaustion of pretense.

Renee is incandescent. She floats like a firefly and Allison can’t look away. She still doesn’t know if she’s in love. This feels closer but fear holds her back. She joins in all the toasts and dances with Neil even though he steps on her feet every third step. She gets drunk and hopes it will loosen her tongue before it’s too late. The Foxes are her true family and they should know. 

Renee gives her a gift, a little scrapbook, handmade with pictures of all of them, so Allison always has a way to look back.

Allison clings to it and Renee smiles sadly; the goodbye sounds so final on her lips and Allison doesn’t ask her to stay.

5.

Allison is hopeful. It’s been a year since she graduated, eleven months since she told her parents where they could go and walked away from it all, ten months since she poured her remaining savings into her own fashion design studio, and tonight it will all pay off. The models are all ready, flawless in her designs, and this is the moment of truth.

She peers out from behind the curtain to observe the crowd. She knows many of the faces but she loves only a few. They’re all sitting in the front row. Kevin already looks like he might doze off. Nicky is wearing one of her old designs that she made on a crappy sewing machine in her dorm room in third year and his winged eyeliner is sharp enough to kill a man. Andrew looks more alive than she’s ever seen him, all of his attention focused on Neil Josten, sitting in his lap. Neil’s lips move but Allison can’t read them. The corner of Andrew’s mouth tips up and he gently strokes Neil’s scarred cheek. She envies them their easy intimacy.

Matt catches her eye and stands and waves vigorously before Dan drags him back down into his seat. Renee looks up and their eyes meet. Allison feels something settle into place and she grins.

The fashion show is a success but Allison is mostly looking forward to the afterparty. It’s far too short a time for catching up. Renee leaves early to catch a flight and the rest gradually follow. Success is lonely.

+1

Allison is tired. She’s been doing this by herself for so long. She has an assistant but he’s never been quite so committed to the job. He could leave it when he went home. She eats, sleeps, and breathes her work. It’s easier then to forget that it’s all she really has.

She shuts the lid of her laptop, eyeing the expensive bottle of wine on her desk, a gift from one of her many admirers. She’s contemplating pouring a glass or three and crashing on the couch in her office, anything to avoid returning to her empty apartment, when her phone buzzes on the desk beside her.

Renee is at the airport. She needs a place to stay for the night. She could catch a cab to Allison’s apartment but Allison picks her up instead.

Renee looks as tired as Allison feels. Several inches of dark roots begin to overtake the platinum blonde. She isn’t wearing makeup and when Allison hugs her, she smells like sweat and sour milk. The biggest surprise is the baby strapped to her chest, dark haired and so very new.

His name is Gabriel. He’s not quite two months old. His mother is dead and no one knows who his father is. He has a hole in his heart and Renee has adopted him and brought him home to the US to save his life.

Allison makes up the guest room for them and leaves them to sleep. She can’t sleep. Her eyes burn and she stares out at the darkness because everything she wants is so close but she just can’t reach it.

Renee is up early but Allison is up earlier. She makes tea but there is nothing in the house for breakfast but a couple of eggs and a fruit platter left over from a brunch at the office.

Renee smiles and thanks her, a bright spot of warmth in her otherwise drab existence. Allison thinks it will be even colder when she leaves.

Gabriel has a doctor’s appointment and Renee packs up to leave.

The words have been building up in Allison for years now and she can’t think of a single good reason to leave them unsaid now.

“Don’t go,” she says.

“We’re going to be late,” Renee says, brow furrowed, uncertain.

“No...I mean...come back after…” Allison stutters.

“What are you asking?” Renee asks softly.

Allison closes her eyes for a second. She opens them and holds Renee’s gaze. Stepping forward, she cradles Renee’s cheek in her hand. “Stay,” she says.

Renee smiles and the world is bright and real. She closes the distance between them and leaves a sweet, soft kiss on Allison’s lips. “I’ll stay,” she says.


End file.
